I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
oh my gosh!!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends