Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this