Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Camel dough

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.