Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

it takes so much energy

incredible text to wake up to

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.