@simoncholland

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

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@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@weinerdog4life

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

@batkaren

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

@TheDweck

Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@texasstalkermom

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

@a_simpl_man

My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants

@johnbiehl

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here