I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

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Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*


I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying


MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.


Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?


Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.


My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants


Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*



WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here