I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.