I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Never be a pizza!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
can’t catch a break
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed