I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume