Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

this site is so cooked lol

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Well, this explains it:

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

#Caturday

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother