I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.