I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away