I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”