I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad