Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

ㅤ

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?