I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha