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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”