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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Eating for two.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.