Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*