I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You Might Also Like
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Breaking news:
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?