I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Great game to play with friends
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’ve been drinking.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.