I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You Might Also Like
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?