Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so