Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.