I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Punctuation Matters. Period.
what’s more important?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
The internet is magic sometimes.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Love is always patient and kind.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”