Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆