Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.