I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I like crazy people until they notice me
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.