Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

it must be school picture day

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

Fries, not lies.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂