i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.