Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

I am crying

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now