i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.