I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them