Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

when you are just born a rebel

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

when someone compliments me

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.