I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
No laws when master is gone
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
LMFAOOOO
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
