Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”