i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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the battle rages on
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
