i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
You Might Also Like
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.