Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish