i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!