i actually laughed 😩
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Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
real
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.