i actually laughed 😩
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Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
craving $300 all of a sudden
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.