Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

I love it all

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

The biggest mystery of our time

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes