Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Hit me in the face with a bird

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Bloody internet 😳

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Labreador