I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
You Might Also Like
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st