I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.