I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I think the cat got the dog high.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.