I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
![]()
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.