i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
What an awful time to have common sense.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
🤣
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.