Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.