Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Look Ma, no handle on things

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director