Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Lol

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues