Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

being insane should at least burn calories

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it