Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

peak technology

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

🤫

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Every
Single
Year

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.