Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”