Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.