I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal