I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Can’t stop laughing
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My background check bounced.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
more water
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
