I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.