I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?


Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost


Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?


If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.


*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace


The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.


I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.


Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE


[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field