@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

@ballerguy

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

@Cpin42

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

@ValeeGrrl

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

@_ElvishPresley_

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

@trevso_electric

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.

@minnie_in_pink7

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

@ryanqnorth

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

@ValeeGrrl

[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field