I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.