I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.


grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them


Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise


When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today


Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship