I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’d grill your cheese.
When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship