NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt