I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
You Might Also Like
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.