Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*