Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.