I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
this could fix me
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home