Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want this so bad

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…