Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

so, is there a mister shapen head

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.