I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids