I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
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realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Cake safety first. Always.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
incredible book dedication
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart