Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.