I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.