I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
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Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Just a bush.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
