Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes