Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!