Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

🤣🤣🤣🤣