Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong