Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

o shit

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.