I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
![]()
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
![]()
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
![]()
![]()
yeah 😭
![]()
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
i want it utterly assaulted.
![]()
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.