Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Grew big

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls